Why have we stopped having sex?
Anyone that has been in a long-term relationship knows that the quantity and quality of our sex life ebbs and flows over time. With a new partner, there is a period where sex is frequent and exciting. Our partners are enthralling and we feel compelled to tear off each other's clothes and take a tumble in the sheets every time we are alone. This can be days, weeks, or months, but it wears off eventually. The next stage is less fun– work is stressful, kids are busy, everyone is tired, finances are stretched, family members become ill… the list goes on. We have less and less sex and sometimes it’s easier to stop trying. Resentment, loneliness, emotional distance, and indifference may slowly build over time, and we wonder who those people were that couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Is this the way things unfold in long-term monogamous relationships or are there other possibilities?
Relational distress often undergirds the sexual tensions that many couples face. Although there are many factors and manifestations of relational dysfunction, the central struggle is the tension between connectedness and differentiation. In a healthy relationship, there is a balance between the individual and the collective identity. Think of this type of relationship as a venn diagram. There are two distinct circles that overlap without losing their shape and structure. Each person is responsible for their own fulfillment and personal development and simultaneously their lives intersect in a shared and mutually beneficial reality. In some instances, instead of a venn diagram we have two separate circles. We might call this the roommate relationship. The detachment in this relationship prevents injury, but it also makes intimacy impossible. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the one circle or enmeshed relationship. Here there is no emotional distance or objectivity. The couple is completely dependent on one another for their happiness and meaning. It's important to remember that the venn diagram relationship is aspirational. We can strive toward individual and relational wholeness, but what matters in the end is the journey not the destination. The reality is that this analogy represents a continuum between separateness and enmeshment on which we might fall anywhere at any given moment. The goal is to find an increasing amount of balance over time.
What does this continuum have to do with sex? Everything. Sex requires an object of attraction and reciprocity, and these elements are absent in the roommate relationship. When a couple is distant because of indifference, resentment, or unresolved conflict, there is little attraction and even less physical and emotional contact. Sex requires connection and in the roommate relationship there isn’t enough overlap. In an enmeshed relationship, there is no defined sense of self and other leaving nothing to be desired. The couple is a big, undistinguishable mass and the object of attraction is absorbed by its gravity. There is only connection and not enough separation. When couples get to the stage of no longer or rarely having sex they resort to strategies that are counterproductive because they do not address the underlying dynamics. Some common examples are a vacillation between extremes of closeness and separateness, criticism and ensuing feelings of rejection or inadequacy, or jealousy and insecurity. The manifestations of these problems are as unique as the individuals in each relationship, and sex therapy can help the couple identify ineffective tactics in order to restore balance. With help from a therapist, sex can become the laboratory in which we develop the tools and framework to overcome our maladaptive relational patterns and become the people and couples we long to be.
The sex laboratory involves working through personal and relational issues and hangups to not only grow as a couple but also as individuals. Taking healthy sexual risks and building trust with a partner can be important aspects of deepening connection while simultaneously developing greater autonomy, confidence and self-efficacy. This psycho-sexual work can help us find balance between ourselves and our partners and help us along the journey toward the venn diagram relationship. It takes a lot of courage and strength to step outside of the negative trajectory of a relationship. By engaging in the process of sex therapy, advocating for our needs, listening to and accommodating our partners, and communicating openly and honestly about our insecurities and desires, we can begin to unwind some of the damage caused by either being too differentiated or enmeshed in our relationship. By safely reintroducing sexuality into a relationship with the help of a sex therapist, a couple can heal both personal and relational wounds and build a better life together.
