Why doesn’t sex feel good?
One of the most common issues we see in the sex therapy field is that for many individuals, sex is not all that pleasurable or desirable. We learn from the broader culture that sex is supposed to be one of the best and most thrilling human experiences, but the reality is that it is sometimes boring, unpleasurable, or even painful. There are a host of reasons why this is the case, but it is important to take a step back and look at the evolution of our social landscape pertaining to sex. In the United States, sex has been used, controlled, weaponized and proffered as the means to achieve the objectives of various social, economic, political, and religious interests and institutions over hundreds of years. While there has been much progress in recent decades decoding and untangling sex from the anchors of these objectives, this process has only begun. One of the most common and significant impacts of this socio-sexual evolution is in our very definition of sex itself. Our society defines sex as penis and vagina intercourse, which wreaks havoc in people’s lives on a daily basis. To anyone who doesn’t fit the traditional structure and dynamics of straight, cisgender, partnered sex or that struggles with premature ejaculation, vaginal pain, chronic illness, disability, or innumerable mental and sexual health issues, this definition is both harmful and oppressive.
The reason many individuals and couples find sex unenjoyable is because their definition of sex is limited. Many people don’t enjoy sex because they don’t enjoy the sex they are having. When sex becomes synonymous with intercourse, the goal becomes narrow and rote. Those in long term relationships are susceptible to having monotonous or uncomfortable intercourse. To those that struggle with premature ejaculation, vaginal pain, and other “sexual dysfunctions,” the entire sexual experience becomes nerve racking or distressing because the goal, i.e. intercourse, is at best unappealing and potentially traumatic. The term “sexual dysfunction” is also problematic because it adheres to the social norms and standards around how sex is defined and its meaning. If sex is intercourse, then anything that doesn’t meet this standard is intolerable and unsatisfactory, and anyone who is different feels ostracized and rejected.
Unfortunately, the problem runs deeper still because the definition of sex is refined further to mean orgasm. The vast majority (approximately 80%) of women are unable to reach orgasm from intercourse alone despite what society, porn, and romance novels might lead us to believe. All female orgasms stem from the stimulation of the clitoris, whether that be external or internal or some combination of the two. Understanding sex as orgasm through intercourse results in a paradigm where women reach orgasm less reliably and frequently than their male partners, producing what sex researchers have come to label as the orgasm gap. This scenario leads many couples into unresolvable arguments about topics like desire, quality and quantity of sex. To be clear, many men desire to please their partners, but the definitions and biases of our long history of sex and sexuality oppression and manipulation hurt everyone. Fortunately, there is an entirely different way to think about the meaning and methods of sex.
Sex therapy is ultimately about helping people untangle their identities and desires from socio-sexual norms so that they can express themselves in a manner that is more aligned with who they are. When sex is intercourse, emotional connection, physical touch, foreplay and fantasy are largely neglected or simply become a means to an end. However, when we expand our sexual horizons, use creativity and imagination, when we prioritize connection, play, and pleasure as the barometers of our sexual experience, then our worlds open up to a new way of being. We begin to discover our sexual selves and foster sexual exploration and rich connectedness with the people and partners we desire. Sex is not only intercourse, as food is much more than a preferred dish. There is an endless “menu” available to anyone that has imagination and creativity, and even mundane interactions with the people that we love and desire can become powerful mechanisms for connection and sexual expression. When we break free from contrived definitions of sex we discover endless possibilities and pleasures.
